Issue 1 - Something Stirs by C.L. Ervin

Something stirs

Something stirs inside as I unfold the letter again. Read the words quietly. Fold it again. Only to unfold it again in the same manner moments later. The words puncture the soul and leave me without breath.

And I mumble under my breath, Who are you to leave me defenseless today? I shift in my long dress with the beaded bodice and the tulle skirt. I wonder now what this dress might represent if but a part of me stirs so readily for a man other than the one wearing the matching tuxedo to such a gown. I gaze into the mirror and squint my eyes, looking for the poise and grace I held only an hour ago, but all I see is a shadow of guilt and a myriad of questions I can only ask myself. I choose not to ask, sweeping them momentarily from my mind.

I whisper a name to no one in particular, only saying it to hear the sound reverberate within my mind. I unfold again. I am stirred again. Fold and composure seeps back, somewhat. Unfold and I tingle. Fold and I sigh.

None of this will do. So I sit, fold and unfold. Quickly I’ve become consumed with the motion of my hands and I pause and angrily think again of him and his poor timing. Why might he leave me questioning everything I’ve ever wanted now? With tear stained words, halting words that would be nearly illegible if I did not know his hand so well.

I look to the door, wishing someone might come and relieve me of my thoughts. Yet at the same time thankful no one breaks into this thought process, this series of hand movements, this blind doubt building.

Doubt has risen and takes the place of any confidence I might have carried down any aisle in any church to any such man but him. I fold. I stare into my own eyes looking for some answer and I cannot tell who I’m looking at anymore. I procrastinate, obliterate reason and move on to duty. What duty? Is duty enough for marriage? Is it enough for me? Never. It would never be.
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Photograph by Dusdin